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Best in 7 days
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4.7 ★★★★★
Based on 1604 reviews
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★★★★★ 5
If you're a parent, you want to read this book
Format: Hardcover
Jessica Lahey and I have never met in person, though we have been online writerly acquaintances for about five years. She has read my writings and commented on them (as has, in one case, her son, Finn), and I am professionally acquainted with her sister, Anna Jones. All this to let you know that while this comment is as unbiased as possible, there is a connection between us.
THE GIFT OF FAILURE is an important book, useful and lucid. Jessica has researched many resources -- the book's bibliography is six pages of small type, listing 154 sources -- and has distilled their findings, conclusions, suggestions, prescriptions, proscriptions, warnings, and encouragements into a tight, well-structured, and eminently readable guide for the possibly perplexed American parent. If you have school-aged children, please allow me to urge you to read this book and keep it handy.
The one caveat I will raise is that Jessica is writing from a certain solidly middle-class perspective, in the older definition of the middle class as a well-educated, professionally successful, and financially privileged population. Some readers may find her casual references to such luxuries as private schools, Latin classes, and schedules jam-packed with soccer games, dance lessons, and music tutorials, to be distancing. Don't let those frills distract you. They are minimal and immaterial. This book is filled in generous measure, packed down and flowing over, with insights and advice of value to any parent of school-aged children, from any segment of society. I can only wish that THE GIFT OF FAILURE had been available when I was raising my own son and trying to figure out how best to do it.
(NB -- Amazon tells me that if I give this book four stars, that means "I like it," while if I give it five, that means "I love it." Well, I don't "love" it, but I more than "like" it; since I can't give it four-and-a-half stars, or 4.9, or some such, I am giving it five. It is an important book.)
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Reviewed in the United States on September 9, 2015
★★★★★ 5
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Format: Hardcover
I love this book. I can't express enough gratitude to Jess for giving the world this fantastic resource. As a therapist, I see first hand what occurs when parents struggle with letting go and allowing their child learn valuable life experiences. Rather than support them through the challenging emotions they attempt to save them from these feelings, which leads to many long term problems.
Parents want nothing but the best for their kids, however in many cases they get it wrong. Jess does such an amazing job of being compassionate and non-judgmental, while at the same time provides earnest advice to help readers change the way they see failure. This creates a stronger relationship between parents and their children no matter how old they are. As a parent, teacher and journalist she gets it! I love the strategies and interventions that are well-researched and effective. Everyone can learn from this book. Get it ASAP!
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Reviewed in the United States on August 30, 2015
★★★★★ 4
So helpful to me, as someone who works with kids
Format: Kindle
I know one of my issues at work is that I am just waiting to help the kids be done rather than to let them learn and be independent. I remind them to ask for help constantly. This is a great book to give reasons why failure is good and how to let go (to varying degrees). It hasn't totally changed what I do, but it has been a great reminder to tone down the control freak nature. I enjoyed the examples from both teacher and parent perspectives as I fall more on the education side but dip into enforcing parenting. I think this book could use some examples of kids with disabilities and some in-depth discussion on the topic. (It may have, but I've been reading this over several months.). I think such a discussion would point to how important being capable of intrinsic motivation is and strengthen the discussions already present in the book. Errorless learning, as I see it sometimes called, is a tool and sometimes I think we rely on it a bit heavily.
Definitely a recommended read for educators and parents, and people in between.
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Reviewed in the United States on December 5, 2020
★★★★★ 5
Practical and eye-opening guide for parents
Format: Kindle
This book had a profound effect on my thinking about how to be a parent. I don't think of myself as the type who hovers, but I'm starting to understand that I hover more than I realize. It's not that the author is advocating for hands-off parenting. Instead, she points out a lot of the ways in which parents take the reins and deny their kids all sense of control, and how detrimental that can be. We want our kids to grow up to be responsible and capable adults, but how can they do that when we take away their sense of autonomy? This book made me realize it's more important for me to teach my kids life skills like how to manage their time than it is for me to be managing every detail. My doing so comes from good intentions and a desire to see them succeed, but at the same time it conveys subtle messages to them I don't want conveyed.
I read a lot of psychology and social science books because the research just plain fascinates me. While this book offers a lot of anecdotes, it's also infused with an excellent grasp of research. Lahey's background in education shines through, and her suggestions are grounded in the same evidence-based research that I've read. If kids seem different today, it's because they are, and it's not just technology that's driving this change, it's the way parents treat their children and how they view them. We want them to be successful, but in our test-driven, high achieving culture, we are sometimes guilty of emphasizing the wrong things. After reading a great deal about helpless college students, children suffering from stress-related ills, and the mental health problems plaguing universities, this book helped me form an idea as to why this may be: rather than teaching our children to work for the things they want, we're setting them on a prescribed path and sending them the message that they're only okay as long as they follow that prescribed path. Reading this book makes the mystifying question of why children don't want to take risks quite clear: because we've taught them that there's nothing worse than failure.
Yet this book doesn't just discuss research, it also offers a lot of practical solutions for parents. Fair warning, though: not all of these suggestions are easy to swallow. This is where some of the pain came in for me, because I saw myself reflected in some of the behaviors Lahey suggests parents need to break. Giving her suggestions a try isn't going to be easy from a parenting standpoint, and it will require me to retrain myself as well.
I also think there's a lot of value in how this book offers some very good insight into the educational system, which I think is a big benefit to parents who don't come from a teaching background. Lahey proposes that parents and teachers work as partners, and she offers suggestions for how parents can open up dialog with their kids' teachers. Considering how adversarial our current culture and politics paint the relationship between educators and parents, there is a great deal of value in this aspect of the book. It doesn't serve anyone for parents and teachers to be at one another's throats, not when both sides want the same thing. This book offers constructive ways parents can form that partnership with teachers, so that everyone can work together toward the same goal.
I highly recommend this book to both parents and educators.
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Reviewed in the United States on September 29, 2015
★★★★★ 5
I thoroughly enjoyed reading this and as the Principal of a Middle ...
Format: Hardcover
I thoroughly enjoyed reading this and as the Principal of a Middle School, I found much truth in what she has written. I found myself thinking back to my days as the parent of burgeoning, wonderful and successful adults. The suggestions Ms. Lahey offers to her readers are based in experience and in conversations with her peers and others in the field of child-rearing and education. These are ideas that have worked for her, and others, and she passes along that wisdom and experience.
Interestingly, I passed this book on to my 33 year old daughter who works in the private sector with a small, but growing, tech company. She has found the ideas presented here very valuable in dealing with her co-workers, the people who report to her, and even her boss, all of which I found very interesting.
The best thing about this book is Ms. Lahey's voice. She sounds compassionate, not absolute, "this is the ONLY way you should ...". She puts out the propositions and then provides what she found as possible courses of action, I would highly suggest that any parent of young children, any teacher and certainly any building principal read this book with great gusto!
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Reviewed in the United States on October 22, 2015
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